Hope you’re all keeping safe and managing to find inspiration to be creative. I’m learning to use what I know and pull from my experiences and try to be honest on the page and share part of myself. It is nice for people to know that they are not alone and learn from other people’s experiences. It can give them hope when they need it the most.
Chess Piece of Divorce
One day I woke up and she wasn’t there anymore. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been told, didn’t see it coming. No, I knew these things even at the tender age of a naïve fourteen. Old enough to choose who I wanted to live with and young enough to be manipulated.
I never knew it then; it only came out years later after they were both dead. They say the truth will set you free, and maybe eventually, but first it will turn you into knots and twist you all around. It will rob you of any trust you might have had, make you suspicious of the most honest man. It isn’t an immediate remedy; it is a journey with a lot of forward motion and a little backward too. You’ll hate them for the lies, you’ll hate yourself for believing them. One day you’ll hopefully recognize that you were only a child and they the adults that should have done better.
You’ll become that adult and make mistakes too and then hopefully forgive them for not being perfect, for being human too. You’ll learn that parenting and life don’t come with a guidebook or detailed instructions. It’s made up as we go along, and the best that we can do is try not to continue to make the same errors as we did before.
Living with hating either of them was a waste of my time, but working through to get to a point where I can release it all and let them be and not carry the baggage or make it affect who I am any longer is the only worthwhile goal. There is no doubt that they left me with issues, but I’ve been working it out.
They came to visit me – don’t feel all creeped out now – but their spirits still exist, and I recognise them. We had a great chat and I asked what I needed to know. Oh yes, they’ve forgiven each other over there. It was enlightening and I’ve managed to let them go. A new perspective is a beautiful gift and they gave it to me.
Yes, they lied to one another and they lied to me. But I’m no longer letting that rob me of my happiness. She never came back, but after a year or so I did make contact again and we did visit. It all made me stronger.
I was strong enough to recognise my desperation for love from certain people that I believed were duty bound to love me but might not have. After pain and processing I managed to cut them out. I figured out that I was important enough to matter more than an after-thought. This lesson only came because of the struggles and choosing to be born into that family.
Overcoming the fear of abandonment has been slow. And from fear we do some stupid things, but I’ve been lucky that they haven’t had lasting effects. I was used as a pawn, but I am no longer one now.
by Debbie Gravett © 2020.12.05
Image by FelixMittermeier from Pixabay